'Right Person, Wrong Time'

is an easy cop-out... sometimes

Love can find you at the most inconvenient time: when you're neck deep in school work, still healing from trauma, figuring out the next step of your life, too young to get married, etc. I guess that is sometimes what people mean when they say right person, wrong time. You know this person is perfect for you, maybe they are even 'the one,' but you are not in the best place to explore the possibility of being with them.

So with tears in your eyes and shaking hands, you pull the plug before you get too attached to let go.

You think to yourself that you are doing them and yourself a service. It is better things end now than further down the line when it will be too hard and painful. How selfless. How reasonable. This is one alternative.

The other alternative, which is for people with bull-headed and selfish tendencies (like me), is we don't let go. We fight to have the person because God forbid we let go of the love of our life and go on wondering about them.

I do not necessarily subscribe to the idea of soulmates and 'the one.' At least, I didn't used to before I met a boy. These days, I hold on to a lot of personal beliefs with a loose grip. Boy has changed my brain chemistry.

I have met different guys in my day, but I didn't feel like they were the one person for me. I loved/liked them wholly and committedly as is my character. But a lot of times, I was shrinking myself or hiding some parts of me subconsciously. I was rationalising being with them and repeating their pros to myself so I could convince myself that I was in the right place.

"But hey, he's kind to you. At least he calls you every day. Remember that good advice he gave you? He laughs at your jokes. He is a bit emotionally intelligent. He said he doesn't believe in feminism, but he still respects women." I repeated these things to myself like a Rosary. But I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted more. Some part of me knew I was settling.

"But you can't have everything you want. That's not how life works." "Justin Dahl is a fictional man. You can't expect a real man to be like that." "You watched too much Disney Channel for your good. That is why you're looking for something that doesn't exist." "It's the damn love songs. Screw these artists mehn. What do they know? They are also delusional." More rationalising.

I couldn't continue being a hopeless romantic. It would only end up in disappointment. I had to find a good enough guy who was kind, laughed at my jokes, attractive, wanted similar things as me and settle with. That's the nature of things. How many people did I know in my life that had movie-like love stories? How many men did I see openly worship the ground their women walked on? Who did I see look at their woman the way Nick looked at Kat in The Wedding Date? But at least they are still together, right? So surely, they have to be doing something right. More rationalising.

But with all of the rationalising I did, I didn't feel settled in my body. It felt like I was killing something that made up my person.

When I was at the brink of settling for a relationship with a guy, just when I was going to say yes, he did something that made me pull back. We continued talking, yes, but I knew I couldn't be with him. But I kept holding on. Who knew when next I'd find a decent guy? Scarcity mindset, they call that, don't they? So, being the scarcity mindset-induced, selfish prick that I am, I refused to let him go. I wouldn't be his woman exclusively, but I wouldn't let him go. Until, inevitably, the string snapped and I couldn't hold on anymore.

Then unexpectedly, every ideal I had about love came in the package of this cute, small, dark man. We are friends for real. We can talk about everything and nothing for hours. The only thing that stops us is time. He unashamedly worships the ground I walk on and thinks I am the best thing after agege bread. I am not shrinking any part of myself. I don't have to dumb down my 100-thoughts-per-minute self, afraid that he won't be able to keep up, that I am talking too much. He gets my jokes fully. What?! (Yes, that was a criterion for me. Funny is a big part of my identity, okay? I couldn't go through life explaining my jokes to a man. I died inside every time I had to.) He doesn't make me feel like I am too assertive, too boyish, too animated, too much. I feel like the female lead in a rom-com everyday. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I hoped for. (He is even more than what I dared hoped.) I can't say everything here because I fear I might be seen as insane.

But maybe, I wasn't that delusional after all. The love I desire exists.

And after finding what feels like once in a lifetime, I am expected to just let it go because right person, wrong time? The time better get right because I am not letting go. Sorry. I am not that selfless.

What is the essence of this letter? I have been asking myself that question since I wrote the first line. I started it and just kept going.

Let me try and say something coherent now.

While there is such a thing as ‘right person, wrong time,’ and wisdom in letting go because the timing just isn't the best, what if we are idealising life too much? When is the optimal time and condition to fall in love?

When you're done with school? You have to find a job then and be an independent adult. Career building takes time and a lot of energy. You might not be able to conveniently accommodate a romantic partner then.

When you have fully gotten rid of your trauma? But healing isn't linear. You could feel healed for years, finally get a partner and then on a random Wednesday in August, you unravel again. What then?

So when then is the right time? Life doesn't stop happening and doesn't give you perfect conditions. If we keep waiting for the 'right time' we could keep missing out on a once in a lifetime love. I don't think we should always resort to letting go just because of ideal timing and optimal conditions. That's an easy cop-out sometimes. It is low-key giving scaredy cat. Sorry.

I mean, if truly the circumstances are beyond you, like you really have work to do on yourself on your own and you would make for a shitty partner, sure, let go. Don't scar an innocent person.

But what I have learnt from my miserly, almost three-month relationship is that my life might never be at optimal condition for love. I will always be busy with the career path I naively chose or trying to heal from stuff I have suppressed or doing other things that don't make it the right time for a relationship. But a good relationship should not stop me from doing the things I need to do. If anything, it should help me.

As Ben Platt said in Grow As We Go:

I don't know who we'll become

I can't promise it's not written in the stars

But I believe that when it's done

We're gonna see that it was better

That we grew up together

I have more gas in my engine to go through this wicked medical school; my own personal cheerleader and support system. I almost went mad yesterday thinking about all the material I needed to cover. Guess who talked me down the ledge and made me see I could do it. Guess who encourages me to sleep when I am working myself into the ground. Yes, you guessed right.

I will definitely have two million more of those episodes because medical school will toy with your sanity while you lie there watching helplessly. But knowing somebody is cheering me on, looking out for me in a very intimate, personal way and I have someone to go home to does something for me. I can barely explain it. It is not that I never had a good support system before him. My friends and family are amazing. But there is a spice a romantic relationship brings to your already sweet life. It's like adding cinnamon to pancakes. Pancakes are nice without cinnamon, but cinnamon adds a likkle sum'n sum'n. Shey you catch my drift?

This is why I will keep side-eying the 'good friendships are all you need' warriors.

I will always be a loud advocate for friendships, don't get me wrong. But I don't think they can replace romantic love. Especially if you really desire it. Which is why I will never shame people for actively seeking love by going on dating apps and mixers and stuff. Hey, if you want something, shouldn't you look for it?

Perhaps I lost the exact thread of my argument somewhere between the pancakes metaphor and calling out friendship warriors, but the conclusion remains the same: I am choosing the chaos of love over the neatness of perfect timing; to grow as we go, one day at a time.

Let me stop here.

Happy Monday to you. I hope you have a great week. Don't run mad, okay? (This is more for me).

Until next time, beautiful one.